


Pranks

by gloomyOptimist



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-27
Updated: 2012-12-27
Packaged: 2017-11-22 16:01:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/611625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gloomyOptimist/pseuds/gloomyOptimist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's only so many things to do on a floating meteor--that is, unless you include the joys of irritating Karkat</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pranks

Dave Strider does not “do” pranks.

He is a master of subtle levels of humor and a great appreciator of the ways it can be layered, interwoven with irony and sincerity until the lines between them become blurred. Practical jokes are too crude for someone of his immaculately refined taste. Egbert can get away with it, but not Dave. Dave has dignity. 

But after a year on a barren meteor hurdling through space, boredom has a way of makes people do things they normally wouldn’t. Of course, any pranks committed by Dave Strider were done ironically and for the benefit of his fellows—he wouldn’t stoop that low if it weren’t for his benevolent nature. It certainly had nothing to do with the fact that he, Terezi, and the Mayor had already covered the majority of the meteor in a Can Metropolis with a fully functional governing system and judiciary body, complete with amended constitution and working infrastructure. It also was totally unrelated to the fact that he had already read at least thirty of Rose’s books, including more than one trashy romance that he probably enjoyed more un-ironically than he would ever admit. 

There are only so many pictures one can develop of a floating rock before things start to get a little dull. 

It is understandable, then, that when Karkat accidentally knocked down a good portion of the northern suburbs of Canopolis, Dave agreed to help Terezi find justice by rebuilding it right outside his door. He just wasn’t expecting to be so satisfied by the sounds of irate cursing echoing through the halls for the remainder of the day. He attributed it to breaking up the ennui that had been settling in over the past few months, and that was that. 

That was, until Terezi approached him later that night with a wicked smile and whispered plans. 

It started out harmless enough. There were a few things moved around here and there. Once they flipped all of the furniture that Rose and Kanaya had alchemized for the lab. Another time they turned the halls into an obstacle course. 

It didn’t take too long for them to narrow down the majority of their attention on Karkat. His reactions were simply the best, and it didn’t usually take too much to get an explosive response. A few didn’t go so well; early on they put some coffee in his supor slime, which was funny for the first fifteen minutes or so. After that, it was just hours of jittery, hyperactive rage, and that got old in record time. 

It didn’t stop them from continuing though. They spent three entire days tailing Karkat through the halls, staying out of sight and making small, creepy noises. At first Karkat shouted angrily towards them, a series of “I know it’s you, dumbasses!” and “How fucking stupid do you think I am?” They stayed hidden, and after a few hours he grew quiet and began glancing nervously around. Before long, he was muttering anxiously to himself and becoming jumpy, and once when Rose came up behind him to ask a question, he shot up like a rocket and looked as if his heart literally stopped. They finally got bored, but it took a while. 

Things continued in this manner for almost two weeks. The last prank they played finally drew the line—it involved the door to the lab, a bucketful of water, and a soaked and completely appalled Karkat. Terezi thought it was absolutely hilarious, and even Dave smirked a little. Rose and Kanaya, however, didn’t seem to think it was so funny, and Karkat was definitely not a happy camper. 

His face turned completely red. He stood there in shocked silence for a few seconds as Terezi’s laughter filled the room, before wheeling towards them and screaming, “I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE YOU SHITSTAINS. SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO YOU?” Terezi just laughed louder. Dave shrugged.

“Chill man, it’s just a joke--”

“I DON’T FIND IT VERY FUCKING FUNNY.” Karkat was breathing shallowly, shoulders tight and fists clenched. “Just…leave me the hell ALONE, okay?” He turned abruptly on his heels and stormed out. 

Then there was nothing but silence. Kanaya cleared her throat. “This game has perhaps extended longer than it should have. Maybe it’s time for an apology?” Rose just leveled her gaze at the two perpetrators. 

Terezi frowned, then simply shrugged. “He’s sensitive, but he’ll get over it.”

“Yeah, this is good for Karkles,” Dave scoffed. “We’re helping him grow up to be a real man. Building character.”

Rose crossed her arms, her eyes trained on Dave’s. He didn’t know how she always seemed to find eye contact even past his shades, but it was unnerving. 

“Seriously, though, it’s not like we hurt him or anything. I mean, unless water melts him like some sort of Technicolor witch from a bad 1950s movie, which would actually explain a lot considering the way that guy smells. Dude needs to shower more.”

Rose raised an eyebrow. 

“I don’t know, maybe he was wearing his special princess panties and we got them wet on accident. I wouldn’t want to embarrass him by making him fess up to such a dirty secret. You can’t assume you know what’s upsetting people like that, Rose, it’s fucking insensitive.”

Rose narrowed her eyes. 

“Look, fine, get off my back Lalonde. I’ll go crawl to him and beg forgiveness like the worthless piece of shit scumbag I am, just turn off the harpy gaze. Jegus. That shit gives you wrinkles, you know.” 

“Will you stop mumbling incoherently to yourself and just go already?” Rose sighed, planting her hands firmly on her hips. 

“Yeah, okay, whatever.”

Dave trudged off to Karkat’s private quarters. He knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked again before quickly turning to walk away before he had to stay there any longer.  
The door slid open. 

Karkat groaned as soon as he saw Dave, but he looked tired. His voice lacked its usual edge when he spoke. “If it isn’t the crown prince of all douchebaggery himself. I really don’t feel like dealing with your pompous ass right now, so what the raging fuck do you want, Strider?” 

Dave suddenly realized that he really didn’t really plan out what he was going to say. A full minute went by. Karkat shifted uncomfortably, then cleared his throat. “…Okay. Well. It’s good to see that you’re living up to your true intellectual potential, seeing how shutting the fuck up is one of the smartest things you’ve ever done, but I’m going to close my door now.” 

“Wait.”

“What?”

“So…I guess the whole water bucket thing wasn’t a cool thing to do?” Dave started. “I mean, it was just fucking water, and I know you trolls get some sort of weird ass fetish kick off of buckets as if cleaning supplies belonged on the clearance rack of a cheap sex shop or whatever, which I mean I’m not about to judge what you get off on but seriously, you need to calm the hell down. It’s fucking embarrassing for the rest of us when you get all hot and bothered about something that wasn’t meant to be more than a joke, and I’m saying that ironically, of course, because Egbert’s literally the only person in the known universe that thinks that shit is legitimately funny. I’m just saying, you don’t have to act like we just kicked your puppy off the fucking meteor because your hair got a little wet.”

“…What the literal fuck are you mumbling about, Strider?”

“I’m coming to apologize, asswipe. I know your sensitive little troll brain can’t handle even miniscule amounts of abuse, so I’m here to make sure you’re not crying into your slime cocoon or whatever.”

Karkat looked taken aback, which quickly went to confusion, and finally settled on slowly increasing rage. “Do you seriously think I’m that fucking pathetic, Strider?”

“You are like the king of pathetic, bro. You’re so fucking uptight that I seriously wonder if you don’t actually have a real stick shoved firmly up your ass and all this time you’ve been pushing through the pain like a fucking martyr. I wonder how you even manage to claw through each day with how badly you react to every small instance of stress--”

“Listen here, you arrogant fucking waste of breathable oxygen.” Karkat snarled. “I have dealt with more shit in my life than you could even pretend to compete with. I was born with a mutant blood color that would have gotten me literally killed if it wasn’t for this game. Half of my friends were brutally murdered for really stupid reasons, and I have no clue where the fuck my moirail is, which sucks even if he is a deranged fucking psychopath that probably has severely questionable past-times involving dead bodies. This entire game was terrible for me because I had to try to get a group of borderline retarded assholes to work together and no one ever listened, and I never even got to wake up on Prospit until right before the Jack you sent us from your session decided to blow the whole damn thing up. I fucked everything up, I haven’t slept in who knows how long, and I’ve been harassed endless for two fucking weeks by you two utterly disgusting sacks of hormones, one of which I actually do have flushed feelings for. Who, by the way, you have been flirting shamelessly with ever since you got on this meteor. Surprise! There’s my big secret! Fucking way to go, dickbag.”

Dave didn’t have anything to respond to that. Karkat rubbed his temples, pulling his hand down over his eyes, before glaring up at Dave once again.

“I don’t fucking need you to tell me how pathetic I am, alright? I’m tired and want to be left alone for a while.”

Dave nodded. 

“But don’t you start to fucking pity me or anything. I might be pathetic, but if I didn’t have some shred of respect for myself, I would have died a long time ago. It wasn’t like there was any lack of opportunities.” Karkat shuffled slightly. “Go stack some cans or whatever they fuck you guys do for fun. I’ll see you later.”

He stepped back and the door slid shut. 

Dave stood there for a few seconds, then turned to go find Terezi and stack some cans. Besides, pranks were never his thing anyway.


End file.
